profile of an abuser

Profile of Physical and Emotional Abusers


1. JEALOUSY - In the initial stages of a relationship, abusers say jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. Abusers question their victims about who they talk to, accuse them of flirting and are jealous over time spent with family, friends, or children. As the jealousy progresses and escalates, abusers may phone frequently or drop by unexpectedly. Abusers usually refuse to let their significant others have jobs for fear they might meet someone else or develop a support system. Behavior like checking car mileage or asking friends to spy are other signs of pathological jealousy.

2. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR - In the initial stages of a relationship, abusers explain that controlling behavior is concern for the significant other's safety, the need to use time well, or the need to make "good" decisions. Abusers are angry if the other person is "late" coming back from the store, from a meeting or appointment, and they ask extensive questions about where their partners went and who they talked to. As controlling behavior worsens, abusers tend to interfere more and more in their victims' personal decisions, like choice of clothing, church attendance, or money. Abusers may even make victims ask permission to leave the room or the house.

3. QUICK INVOLVEMENT - Many victims dated or knew their abusers for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. Abusers come on like a whirlwind, claiming "love at first sight." Abusers flatter their victims with statements like "You're the only person I have ever been able to talk to," "I've never felt loved like this by anyone," or "I'd kill myself if you ever left me." The abuser needs someone desperately and will pressure a victim to make a quick and total commitment.

4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS - Abusers are dependent on victims to meet all their needs. Abusers expect their partners to be perfect mates, parents, lovers, or friends. Abusers might say things like "If you love me, I'm all you need and you're all I need." Victims are supposed to take care of everything for abusers emotionally and usually take care of everything else in the home, too.

5. ISOLATION - Abusers try to cut their partners off completely from all resources. If the victim is a woman and has male friends, she is a "whore." If she has women friends, she is a lesbian. If the victim is a man who is close to his family, he is "tied to his mother's apron strings." Both male and female abusers accuse those who are supportive of their partners of "causing trouble" and being a primary source of the couple's problems. Abusers may want to live in the country (sometimes without a telephone) and may not want victims to use a vehicle, or they may try to keep them from working or going to school.

6. PROJECTING BLAME ONTO OTHERS FOR PERSONAL PROBLEMS - If abusers are chronically unemployed, it is always someone else who is doing them wrong or is out to get them. Abusers may make mistakes and blame the victim for upsetting them, keeping them from concentrating, or from doing their job. Abusers tell victims they are at fault for almost anything and everything that goes wrong.

7. BLAMING OTHERS FOR THEIR FEELINGS - Abusers tell their victims "You make me mad," "You're hurting me by not doing what I ask," or "I can't help being angry," In fact, abusers make decisions about what they think and feel, then use these feelings to manipulate victims. More subtle are claims like "You make me happy" or "You control how I feel."

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY - Abusers are easily insulted and may claim their feelings are hurt when they are really very angry. Abusers may take the slightest setback as a personal attack. They rant and rave about injustices that have happened to them-- things that are really just a common part of living, like being asked to work overtime, running into bad traffic, or being asked to help with children or housework.

9. CRUELTY TO CHILDREN OR ANIMALS - Abusers may punish animals brutally or be insensitive to their pain and suffering. They may expect children to be capable of doing things far beyond their ability (e.g., whipping a 2-year old for wetting the bed) or may tease children until they cry. Abusers who beat their partners commonly beat their children. Abusers may not want children to eat at the table or may expect children to stay in their rooms all evening.

10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX - Abusers often like to throw their victims down and hold them during sex, or act out fantasies in which their partners are helpless. Abusers let the victims know the idea of rape is exciting to them and may show little concern about whether victims want to have sex. They will use sulking, intimidation, or anger to manipulate the victim into compliance. Abusers may start having sex with victims while the victim is asleep, or demand sex while victims are ill or tired.

11. VERBAL ABUSE - In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this behavior is used by abusers to degrade the victim. Verbal degradation may include running down victims or their accomplishments. Abusers will tell victims they are stupid and unable to function alone. This may involve waking victims up in order to verbally abuse them and not letting them go back to sleep.

12. RIGID ROLES (MASTER/SERVANT BEHAVIOR) - Abusers expect victims to be subservient to them and often insist that victims stay at home and obey them in all things-- even criminal behavior. Abusers see their victims as inferior, stupid, and unable to be a whole person outside of the relationship.

13. THE QUICK CHANGE SYNDROME - Many victims are confused by their abuser's sudden changes in mood. Victims describe that one minute abusers seem nice, and the next minute they explode; one minute they are happy and the next, they are sad. This does not always indicate some sort of mental problem or that abusers are "crazy." Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of abusers who beat their partners, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics like hypersensitivity.

14. PAST BATTERING AND A HISTORY OF PHYSICAL ABUSE - Abusers may admit that they have hit someone in the past, but frequently claim that the victim "made them do it." Victims may hear from relatives or ex-spouses that the person has been physically abusive. Batterers will beat any partner they are with; situations or circumstances do not cause them to batter.

15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE - These include threats of physical force to control the victim. "I'll slap your mouth off," "I'll kick you," or "I'll break your neck." Most partners do not threaten their mates, but batterers will often claim that "Everybody talks like that" or "I didn't really mean it."

16. BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS - Breaking valued possessions is used as punishment, but its primary objective is to terrorize victims into submission. Abusers may beat on tables or walls with their fists, or throw objects around or near their victims.

17. ANY FORCE USED DURING AN ARGUMENT - Abusers may hold victims down, physically restrain them from leaving, push or shove them. Abusers may hold their victims against a wall with statements such as "You're going to listen to me!"

In short, abusive relationships leave victims feeling hopeless -- believing they don't have the right to say no, that they are to blame for the abuse, and that it will stop if they change their behavior.

If you feel you are being physically or emotionally abused, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE and you will be referred to a resource in your area that can help you.